Sammy the Shot

[Wayne23]

(In the spirit of Damon Runyan)

I am known far and wide as Sammy the Shot. Dis is not due to the fact that I pack a rod which I do not. It is rather becawse I am reconized far an’ wide as havin’ had one’a da bes’ shots evah seen on a court devoted to the playin’ of dat fines’ of all games, roundball.

Anyways, as I was sayin’, I had myself a shot unmatched within the anals a the sport. But alas, as it must happen to us all, I had the grave misforchune a graduatin’ from my beloved alma mater, Long Island University, in the beautiful metropolis a Brooklyn, U. S. A.

Upon my graduation, which I must admit took five years of time, I was appointed to the position of assistant coach by my former coach and always mentor, Bobby the Brain Benson. Coach Benson taught me all of that which I come ta know about the game, which is, in my humble opinion, considerably.

The Coach somehow took a likin’ ta me for which I am etoinally grateful.
Now the Coach was gettin’ on in years and upon his decidin’ ta take his pension, he woiked it so’s dis institute a higher learnin’ had little choice but ta offer me the position a head coach a the men’s hoops team which they done.

Athaletic Director Marvin the Money Marone offer me da job for three seasons at $80,000 a pop which I quickly signed upon the dotted line.
As you can well imagine dere is a lot of stuff which I will be compelled to relate to you about alla dis but I t’ought I oughta foist mention some stuff about myself an’ my beloved companions which I will percede ta do fort’wit’.

[Wayne23]

I have lived a rich and a full life well beyond my somewhat tenda yeahs, I am but 25, due to my havin’ had many bosom companions practically from boith but soitenly from my most tenderest yout’. Among these are some gentlemen what lives dere lives in somewhat less than savory mannerisms but what is, dispite that undisputable fac’ fine fellows wit’ which to hang aroun’ wit’, which I have been known ta do.

Among these is Benny Southwest, a noted financial investor in fine animals a the t’oroughbread persuasion.

Another is Snake Eyes McConigal, what can be foun’ at crap games far an’ wide t’roughout the five burros.

Nat’an Ohio organizes games of chance of all descriptions all t’rough ouwa faih metropolis, but is often strapped for cash more than somewhat.

Sky Masterplan is perhaps the finest, most luckiest gambler which I have ever met, bein’ one what wins against all of the odds one may well imagine. How he does dis is a matter of considerably speculation at times.

Niceguy Noodleman is foun’ here an’ yonder doin’ sundry acts of favoritism for his many bosom companions.

Bobby the Brain was given this somewhat ironical name due to his less than stellar mental powers. On the other hand he is much beloved for his kindness of heart and his willingness to exoit hisself in the soivice of his frien's.

You will get ta know dese an’ many odders as my humble tail unfolds an’ will, of course, meet the many dolls which enriches our lives wit’ joys an’ complications.

I hasten to add that whilst most of these fine an’ beloved companions is on the shady side more than somewhat, I myself am of a completely honest disposition, wishing to achieve my fame an’ fortunate t’rough my merits an’ my native talents rather than t’rough means which may, be, to coin a phrase, less than completely honest. I am, an’ shall endeavor to remain, true blue, come what may.

[Wayne23]

As to myself, I live in a smallish flat in Bensonhoist. It, unlike many such, has flowin’ hot water an’ the luxury of a bathtub. I am not a cook, choosin’ ta take my meals at the many fine eatin’ establishments in ouwa faih city, an’ upon many occasions, from the many pushcart and other street vendors which pervides the residents wit’ so many vital soivices upon a daily basis.

I am at present keepin’ company wit’ Candy the Chest Candelaria, which is a show girl intent upon becomin’ a stah. Whilst I love her dearly I must say, an’ please keep dis unda da rose as dey say, Miss Candy, whilst bein’ undoubtedly sweet, does not possess da requisite talent ta elevate herself beyond the confines of the chorus wherein she currently labors to the delight of an admirin’ public.

Candy has the somewhat disturbin’ habit of lovin’ ta spend money, mostly mine, but she is free with her affections more than considerable, an’ to a man like myself, spendin’ the lucre is the price one must pay for the benefits of her more than delightful charms, if you know what I mean.

Therefore I am rather indulgent with her whenever I find myself holdin’ the Franklins an’ Jeffersons. We have been engaged ta be married for a few years now an’ whilst Miss Candy from time ta time becomes a bit impatient to set the date, I myself, of am a somewhat patient demeanor upon this particular subject.

As to habits I am cleanly, a sharp dresser, and a man what endeavors ta be a true pal, especially when the chips is down, as it were. You will, upon occasion, find me at one’a Nat’an’s crap games or poker sessions, but my duties as head coach a the Blackboids keeps me from engagin’ in these engagements more than infrequently, to my regret.

I think I have pervided my gentle readers wit’ enough backgroun’ with which to begin my tail, and so I will precede.

[CoachC]

Downtown Freddie Brown challenges you to a game of horse, goombah! lol Interested to see what you do this time around.

[Wayne23]

My beginnin’ coachin’ ratins’ is about what you would exspect. The game pervides the opportunity for givin’ a amature or beginnin’ coach a total of 150 points ta devide amongst the 5 given categories. I have chosen ta utilize only 65 a these points, an’ as follows:

Offense- 1, Defense- 1, Scoutin’- 35, Recruitin’- 25, Player Developin’- 3. As ta potential, each category has the potential of maximizing out at 100 save for offense at 99. At present my reputation is 6.

I am a coach what is extremely ambitious although I would deeply regret the necessity of leavin’ the greater New Yawk area. I believe in maintainin’ high academic standards an’ have already instituted a tutorial program an’ academic advisers.

I am about average as to discipline, an’ the same holds true for my temper which I endeavor to keep well controlled, except upon occasion toward the officials what can make a statchew lose its compsure.

My integrity, as I have previously related, is of the very highest. We are in a permotion/relugation type association and LIU is in conf. T which is 2 up from the bottom.

As to assistants, the necessity of remainin’ within the confines of a very narrow budget of $145,000 leaves me with difficult choices. I have engaged 3 somewhat less than stellar assistants for one year only, hopin’ ta do better next year. One does what one must.

As to stragety, I plan to go man to man about 70% an’ 2-3 about 30%. I will press perhaps 30% of the time, using both man an’ 1-2-1-1. On offense we will go with Triangle and 5 out, approximately 50-50.

[PointGuard]

Hey, its Wayne the Insane with another dynasty thread! Keep these "in the vernacular" threads going and we'll soon have to rename you Mark T'Wayne.

[Wayne23]

Cute!

[Wayne23]

I have $97,000 for recruitin’, which will allow me ta purchase the Gold Scoutin’ report for my area an’ the Basic National report. We will be fine for money wit'out a doubt.

My team has a bit of talent but not enough ta give one indigestion from overindulgin’.

6/26: An’ now we commence ta begin the recruitin’. We got 4 slots ta fill, perhaps 5 should soicumstances warrant it so.

We decide ta look at 18 perspectives.

7/11: We run a small kid camp, 2 one week sessions, ta look at ouwa playahs an’ hopin’ ta attrac’ a prospec’ or 2. It starts taday. The foist week is at 25% of capa city an’ the second a little less so.

7/25: The only thing I find myself able ta say afta 2 weeks a watchin’ my perspective team is dat mayhap I should oughta play some’a the kids what paid ta come ta dis here camp we was runnin’. I wouldn’t say I got no talent but unless somethin’ davelops it appears dat we will be most fortunate ta defeat the School for da Blind. Oh well, ya gotta staht somewheres as dey say.

“Well if it ain’t my oldest and dearest pal, Nat’an Ohio. Step inta my office, Nat’an. To what do I owe da pleasha a dis visit?”

“Sammy, my old pal, I t’ought I’d come an’ see what dese digs looks like. I gotta say dat dey is most definitely plush, very plush indeed. Yes sir. Youse has landed in da lap a luxury.”

“T’anks, Nat’an. It ain’t so bad, is it?”

“No it ain’t. I was wonderin’, Sammy-”

“I had a feelin’ there was a reason fer dis visit.”

“Be dat as it may, I feel the obligation ta ax youse a question, oldest pal o mine.”

“Go ahead, Nat’an but I hope dis ain’t the end of a beautiful frien’ship.”

“Nuttin’ like dat, Sammy, nuttin’ at all. If youse take offense at my question we will let it lay like it never was axed at all.”

“An’ your question is?”

“Well, Sammy, I fin’ dat I mus’ put this somewhat delicately an’ I am at a bit of a lost for woids… Prehaps I should simply state it an’ let the chips fall where dey may.”

“Dat is usually da best way, Nat’an.”

“Okay, let it be so. Sammy, as you know I make my living as a business man. I run games of chance an’ separate optimists from there bankrolls.”

“Dat has always been da case, Nat’an. An’ so?”

“An’ so one a da commodities which is important to me more than somewhat, is infromation.”

“I can see dat dat would be da case, yes indeed.”

“You might, from time ta time be in a position ta pervide me wit’ some gigantically importent information, Sammy.”

“Nat’an, if you are t’inkin’ that dis information might be related ta da game a round ball you would be most sadly mistaken.”

“Prehaps you misinterpret my meanin’, Sammy.”

“An’ perhaps I do not.”

“No, no, no, no, no, Sammy, I am not even suggestin’ dat youse should do a t’ing dat would violate any a da many rules a da National Collegiate Athaletic Association, not to da slightest extent.”

“Then I do not see how I could be of any assistance to youse in your line a business, Nat’an.”

“Ah, but youse could, youse could for soitain.”

“An’ how might this be, Nat’an.”

“Der is no rule- an’ I have checked upon dis most t’ouroughly, against what I am perposin’, Sammy, which is dat you let me know, foist, yer most honestest feelin’s regardin’ your chances in a given game, an’ secon’, any infromation which may be available to you regardin’ da state of min’ or da slight fisical incapacity a either one or moah a your players, or prehaps even one or moah a da members a de opposition.”

“What you are suggestin’ is impossible, Nat’an an’ it must not even be discusted.”

“I t’ink you may have misunderstood my intentions, Sammy. I recollect to youse dat I never said dat youse should give me infromation of any real substance. I merely wish to know the tiniest little t’ings regardin’-”

“No, Nat’an. Dis discussion is at a end. Youse are tryin’ ta take advantage a my trustin’ nature, an’ my desire to please, but I cannot but refuse under the soicumstances which you state. Ended, finished, closed, Toot feenee, as da frogs say.”

“All right, Sammy, I t’ought it could not hoit ta ax.”

“Do not ax again, my oldest frien’, it would put me in a most discomfortable position.”

An’ wit’ dat Nat’an left my premises, a sadder an’ NOT a wiser man.

8/14: We have got a few recruits what has shown at least a bit of interest in us, 5 ta be percise. Next week we will offer some scholarships, prehaps, well very likely, ta four a dese 5.

[Wayne23]

8/21: We offer ta 4, 2 guards and 2 big guys. We will see what transpiyahs.

9/4: Nex’ week da rules allow us ta visit da recruits we is pursuin’.

9/11: We visit. It is difficult to tell the effectiveness of ouwa visits.

9/18: We have still yet to nail anyone of ouwa recruits down but continue ta pursue all of dem. We altso now has a schedule a games dat we will play.

I axed my A. D., Marvin the Money Marone ta take it easy upon us sense we are just startin’ out an’ we ain’t dat good. He complied wit’ my request.

We are playin’ in the preconference portion of da schedule teams which has either ½ or 1 star for a ratin’ wit’ de exsception a #22 Florida State which we is playin’ dere. I wanted one team which was good so’s my guys could see what it is we is aimin’ to wards. I altso axed for a balanced schedule. I got 5 at home an’ 6 on da road so dat is fine.

De odder night I had a free evenin’ so I decided ta pay a call upon my best goil, Candy the Chest Candelaria. Now Miss Candy, as I calls her, is a most delightful goil in the looks department, if ya knows what I mean. Bein’ a show goil in da chorus of Miss Adeline Delight's troupe, she appears upon the stage every night except Sunday ta an admirin’ crowd.

She received her nickname for two very prominent reasons but for whatever cause she is not amused or impressed when called by said nickname. I loined this ta my regret oily on in ouwa relationship when I called her by that nickname.

She responded by beltin’ me in my right orb. I was seein’ one eyed for several days. Whilst Miss Candy is, in my estimation, weighin’ in outta da welterweight division she easily packs da punch of a light heavyweight.

I managed ta secure her forgiveness an’ never repeated da mistake of callin’ her da Chest. I do as you will no doubt understand, casdt my gaze in dat direction upon occasion howevah.

Miss Candy is a bottle blond. I do not believe da carpet would match da drapes but followin’ a recent trend, dere is a hardwood floor so I am unable ta ascertain dis for a fac. Beyin’ a the Hispanic persuasion I doubt that her blondness is other than, as I say, of the bottle variety.

In any case it suits her quite well an’ she is a very fine lookin’ woman indeed. Like so many udders of her gender she feels a regular need ta spend money upon such finery as clothing, perfume, make up, meals at exspensive dining establishments, little excoishions such as cruises ta da Bahamas, an’ udder such t’ings, an’ da money she spends is mine.

Dis has, as do mos’ t’ings, bot’ a positive an’ a negative side. Upon the negative is the fac’ dat she keeps me fairly flat at most times. Upon the positive side is the way she “persuades” me ta lavish da money upon her. Bein’ a gentleman I may not go inta detail. But de tail is quite wonderful, Miss Candy bein’ bot’ age ile and versa tile.

Miss Candy an’ I, as I believe I stated above, is engaged ta be married. No date has been set for the nuptials as I am in no hurry, altho at times Miss Candy becomes impatient upon this matter. Hopin’ ta avoid yet anudder shiner I try ta appear ta acquiesce in dis matter but wit’out beyin’ any moah specific den is absolutely necessary.

9/25: We is havin’ da traditional 2 kindsa luck wit’ recruitin’, slim an’ none. But we continue ta endeavah.

10/2: Well prehaos we is beginnin’ ta make in roads wit’ a couple’a recruits at long last, a SG an’ a PF. We is hopeful anyways.

Practice is officially undah way an’ I am more than somewhat exscited. Whilst, as stated oilier, we do not appear ta have a tremendous amount a talent, still, it is my team, an’ I will attemp’ ta mold it inta somethin’ bettah than it is at present. I will know considerable moah aftah ouwa exhibition games in oily Novembah which is not that far inta the future as da crow flies.

Da perdictions fer da T Conf. come out taday. We was picked ta finish 9th. Sense are goals was ta win 10+ games an’ ta win da conf. tourney (da latter a which makes no since whatsoevah), I perdic’ we will finish bettah than 9th, prehaps as high as #4 or #5. I would be more than happy ta win the tourney but I do not exspect this ta transpiah.

10/23: We is not signed nobody but 2 guys has us at 3 stars an’ anudder one has us at 2, an’ yet anudder at 1. So dere is indeed hope.

10/30: Da exhibition games is practically upon us. Da time has flew. I feel da necessity ta look at all 15 players upon da team durin’ these exhibitions as I cannot afford ta ovahlook any possible hidden treasures.

[Wayne23]

11/2: We will play ouwa foist exhibition game against New Joisey Tech (We will altso play da second against dem but that is neither here nor there for the nonce.).

35-27 at the half. It was close for mosta da way den we done very well late. Unfortunately we fell into pieces in the 2nd losin’ 59-68.

-2 RB, -3 TO, 45-44% shootin’. Fouls was 10-13.

Small, Book an’ Woods was probubly ouwa best.

11/7: We will play ouwa 2nd exhibition game against New Joisey Tech.

I fear it is going to be a long season. Down 22-38 at the half.

67-76. Whilst we was bettah in da 2nd we wasn’t particular good.

-1, -6, 44-51. Ouwa D is not woithy a praise. Fouls was 13-17.

James, Livas an’ Buck was ouwa best an’ opf course none a dem was mentioned in da foist exhibition game. Oh deah. We will have ta make some very difficult decisions.

Based upon a considerable amount of consultation amongst ouwa staff we have decided ta go wit’ the followin’ lineup: PG: Pass Hopp, SG Jumpshot (Jump) Livas, SF Ryan Small, PF Board Buck, C James Book. Comin’ offa da bench will be Den Smay at Guard, along wit’ Pat Jones an’ maybe Dish Take upon occasion. At PF an’ C Box Evans an’ Eddie Robin will get da minutes.

Smash Will should altso git some time. Afta dat, who nose?

The season is now upon us, ready or not an’ I am not completely confident in ouwa readiness, as it were but nevertheless we must precede ta da schedule.