Fear the Deer: How Milwaukee Made Detroit Look Nice

[Tim Moungey]

My mission: To make the Milwaukee Bucks the most dangerous, scary team in the league. In order to accomplish this, we need to find the surliest, meanest players on the entire planet, ones whose perpetual faces are like this:

The Rules
1. As much as is possible, have every single player on the roster with a personality rating below 50. The lower the better.

That's it. Just one rule to rule them all. Our team will have the most fights of any in the league, and we'll all hate each other after one week of practice.

Or maybe mutual hatred will turn into surprising friendship?

Who knows.

I just hope I don't get fired.

Bucks Who Currently Meet the Under 50 Personality Requirement
PG Beno Udrih
SF Tobias Harris
C Samuel Dalembert

We've got a lot of work to do. Too many nice guys on this team.

[Tim Moungey]

I compile a list of players who qualify and are currently signed on to rosters. Sadly, the Lakers won't consider trading Kobe Bryant for any of our pieces. It would have been a glorious situation, too, given how much I hate Kobe.

Nor can I pry Zach "Z-Boobs" Randolph from the Grizzlies or Demarcus Cousins from the Kings. Or Al Jefferson from Utah for that matter. This is turning very disappointing very quickly, because there isn't crap for talent available outside of those three players really.

So I go with the best all around option available.

Milwaukee Bucks receive
SF Luol Deng
Chicago Bulls 2014 1st

Chicago Bulls receive
SG Monta Ellis

What this means for the Bucks
Milwaukee punches up their perimeter defense and team discipline in picking up Deng, a defensive wizard who plays one of the most disciplined games in the NBA. He immediately steps in as the starting SF and provides a slight all-around upgrade over Luc Ricard Mbah a Moute. The first round pick likely will be a late first, but for the rebuilding Bucks, more assets are good.

What this means for the Bulls
Say hello to a frightening backcourt and a new running of Da Bulls. If Derrick Rose wasn't scary enough by himself, in Ellis he gets a backcourt partner who's just as capable of burning opponents night in and night out. Ellis also has some stealing pop and now opponents of the Bulls will be forced to choose between their perimeter poisons.

Winner: Chicago
Bulls get terrifying, Milwaukee gets a minor upgrade. Easy winner here.

The trades keep on coming.

Milwaukee Bucks receive
SG Arron Afflalo
Denver Nuggets 2013 1st
Denver Nuggets 2013 2nd

Denver Nuggets receive
PG Brandon Jennings
SF Luc Ricard Mbah a Moute

What this means for the Bucks
It's goodbye to the torrid Jennings/Ellis backcourt and hello to more draft picks. Afflalo is one of the deadliest perimeter shooters in the business and he should be the focal point of the new look Bucks offense, sliding in at SG. Best part about the 26 year old is that he's locked in at a reasonable contract for the next several seasons, so if he pans out, Milwaukee will have found themselves a real prize.

What this means for the Nuggets
Jennings is an explosive scorer, but he's a combo guard rather than a true point guard. Both he and a Moute will serve as reserves to Ty Lawson and Danilo Gallinari respectively. Jennings is smarter and more well-rounded than Afflalo, not to mention just 22, so this trade is well worth the picks investment.

Winner: Draw
Both sides benefit their plans with this deal, but we're going to see some ugly, ugly basketball in Wisconsin this year.

And yet another trade!

Milwaukee Bucks receive
PF Lamar Odom
Dallas Mavericks 2013 2nd

Dallas Mavericks receive
PF Drew Gooden

What this means for the Bucks
Yet more picks and a disciplined, smart veteran hybrid forward in Odom. He's another defensive specialist, but the 32 year old will come off the bench, as the current lineup favors Mike Dunleavy at PF. Given the whirlwind of changes, however, don't expect that to last long.

What this means for the Mavericks
Gooden is one of the dumbest players in the NBA, and Dallas is doubling down on the dumbness by provisionally starting him at center alongside Dirk Nowitzki. Oh, how the Mavericks long for the days of Tyson Chandler.

Winner: Milwaukee
Finally, a smart trade by Jestor, who seems to have otherwise lost his touch.

Three players left on our original roster who don't meet our requirements, but I'm going to hold off on it, because there's a certain young raw point guard I really want who fits our requirements, but the other team won't trade him because "It'd make us too weak at point guard".

Pre-summer Starting Lineup
PG Beno Udrih - Personality: 45
SG Arron Afflalo - Personality: 45
SF Luol Deng - Personality: 45
PF Mike Dunleavy - Personality: 50 (If we have to live with him, it's all right)
CE Samuel Dalembert - Personality: 38

Really low personality guys are hard to find in the league right now, and most of them just barely qualify. Hopefully that'll change with future draft classes, and we get some real surly bastards in here. There's also the fact that we have yet to see what's available in the free agency pool.

As for the remaining two other than Dunleavy?

PF Epke Udoh - Personality: 60
PF Larry Sanders - Personality: 60

...Yeah. Those guys have *got* to go.

Still, Phase I is complete.

[Tim Moungey]

Phase II
We need to sort out our staff. I, of course, have a very low personality, in keeping with the spirit of this endeavor. 3rd assistant Joe Wolf has low personality, too. But the rest of the coaches are average?

Bye, Scott Skiles, Jim Boylan, and Sidney Moncrief.

Say hello to head coach Charles Oakley in his first ever gig, and who the hell are these guys assistants Kevin Rice and Donnie Boyce.

Mock Draft
We're expected to take Kendall Marshall 14th overall out of North Carolina. Definitely a need area, but if he's a nice, charming young man, we don't want him.

EXCEPTION ALERT
I just saw Chace Stanback, my favorite player at UNLV the last two years, in the draft pool. I WILL MAKE THIS RUNNIN' REBEL MINE EVEN IF HE HAS A PERSONALITY OF 100!!!! This exception will extend to all UNLV players in the league.

Okay, so um, out of all the guys I've scouted, I only get a bunch that have Normal personalities as the lowest rating. Boo.

Oh well, we can always draft one of them and trade them later for some good low personality stuff.

The Draft
1. C Anthony Davis - New Orleans Hornets

So the Bobcats for some reason really want Mike Dunleavy and are offering me pick #31 for him. Sold!

That point guard I really want still isn't on the block, although one or two other bad players are.

2. SF Michael Kidd-Gilchrist - Charlotte Bobcats

Sacramento calls again, offering #35 for Larry Sanders. I turn them down, as I'm planning on using Sanders as part of the package to get that point guard.

3. SF Thomas Robinson - Washington Wizards
4. SG Bradley Beal - Cleveland Cavaliers
5. PF John Henson - Sacramento Kings

I get more offers for Sanders, one from the Cavaliers I'd consider if I wasn't playing this straight - Daniel Gibson and a 2nd round pick. But Gibson's not on the naughty list.

6. C Andre Drummond - Portland Trailblazers
7. SF Harrison Barnes - Golden State Warriors
8. PG Damian Lillard - Toronto Raptors
9. C Meyers Leonard - Detroit Pistons

There went my first Normal personality guy. There's two left that I'd actually be interested in drafting with our first round pick, so we'll wait and see what happens over the next few selections.

10. SG Dion Waiters - New Orleans Hornets
11. PF Jared Sullinger - Portland Trailblazers

Realistically, this is a great setup for us if we weren't playing by personality rules. Marshall is clearly one of the best point guards in this draft and the perfect floor general I love in Jestorball. But he has Good personality.

In a normal situation, I'd trade up here to get him, but we'll just sit back.

12. SF Terrence Jones - Houston Rockets

We're now guaranteed to get one of our Normal guys.

13. SG Terrence Ross - Phoenix Suns

Okay, both of them are still on the board. There's Tyler Zeller out of North Carolina, who I love in NLL as those of you readers who are in that league know, the whole Zellermania thing. But we really need a true PF alongside Dalembert not another big man.

And so, it's...

14. PF Arnette Moultrie - Milwaukee Bucks

Biggest reason I made this selection is because Moultrie is more of a post player as opposed to Zeller, who takes too many damned jumpers. (He did in NLL too - started off with 63% jumpers). If this was an MP league, I'd take Zeller, who I ironically drafted after the Clippers took Moultrie in the last NLL draft. Which in turn pissed off the Knicks (Hi, Cleasby!) who really, really wanted Zeller.

But it's not and I don't mess around with instructions in single player leagues to make it more challenging, so Moultrie it is.

15. SF Perry Jones III - Philadelphia 76ers
16. SF Moe Harkless - Houston Rockets
17. C Tyler Zeller - Dallas Mavericks

I'm calling it right now. Zellermania is an upgrade over Drew Gooden right from the get-go.

Okay, this is stupid. It's now pick 18 and Kendall Marshall is still sitting out there.

Houston won't bite, though. Pricks. Not even for Denver's 1st next year and Ekpe Udoh.

18. SG Austin Rivers - Houston Rockets

Oh by the way. I forgot to mention. James Harden got traded to the Wizards for Nene Hilario and a 2nd round pick. ...Yeah. We'll review that later.

Screw you too, Orlando. They're practically peeing their pants that Kendall Marshall fell this far and they won't even consider the package we offer, which was the same as Houston's.

19. C Fab Melo - Orlando Magic

...The hell?

Hooray! Denver takes its own first next year back and #42.

I immediately dash in the card.

20. PG Kendall Marshall - Milwaukee Bucks

Hello, draft and trade!

BOOM!

Milwaukee Bucks receive
PG Iman Shumpert

New York Knicks receive
PG Kendall Marshall
PF Larry Sanders

You're welcome, New York! Shumpert has a beautiful 40 personality, making him one of the biggest crabasses in the league. And at 22, he's the future at starting point guard, even though he's very, very, very raw in terms of his floor general skills.

21. PG Tony Wroten - Boston Celtics

I wonder how hard Beantown was crying over the fact they not only lost out on Marshall, but that he went to the Knicks.

22. SG Marquis Teague - Boston Celtics
23. SG Royce White - Atlanta Hawks
24. SF Quincy Miller - Cleveland Cavaliers
25. PF Andrew Nicholson - Memphis Grizzlies
26. SG Jeremy Lamb - Indiana Pacers
27. PG Maalik Wayns - Washington Wizards
28. PF JaMychal Green - Oklahoma City Thunder
29. SF Draymond Green - Chicago Bulls
30. PF Quincy Acy - Golden State Warriors

You know what's coming next.


My boy Chace Stanback guarding my favorite non-UNLV player from last season, Mr. Harrison Barnes of North Carolina.

The boos and screams are terrific to hear.

Hate on, haters. Hate on.

I'm running late for office hours, so time for me to head out.

To be continued...

Oh by the way, I'm not going to profile the draft day trades unless one really catches my eye. In the spirit of this low personality dynasty, I'm not going to GAF about anyone but my grumpy band of men and trades that interest me.

[Rasmuth]

interesting concept!

[Myles Nelson]

Malice at the Bradley Center!!

[THEsirwilliam]

lol Definitely digging the concept.

[Tim Moungey]

Thanks, guys. Updates will be slow until the end of the semester.

[Jabez54]

Nothing like it ... reading the Dynasties with my own coffee (mixed brands for the ultimate flavor) ... enjoying the moments ... many thanks ... tomas