Now in the twilight of Nash's years, and after a questionable offseason that saw the Suns hang on to him rather than deal him, and draft Markieff Morris in the first round, Phoenix places its hopes in a bardic basketball legend. The man who penned the Mateen Yeaton epic must now take on a new challenge...
That man... is Izulde Jestor.
***
I grew up in the Midwest, but found, throughout my travels, that I enjoyed the coastal regions of the United States the best. Although I would ultimately fail (to this point) in living on the coasts, as I grew older, I found that my nocturnal nature preferred the Pacific, with its earliest possible time zone, yet still part of the mainland. For Hawaiian time is simply madness.
Originally, I thought I could fashion a life for myself in Las Vegas, a city perfectly suited to one of my temperament in many respects, and it was close enough to California and close friends in San Diego and Los Angeles that I could simply fly there to see them whenever I wanted.
But then, as the rather amusing, mock-heroic prologue you've just read suggests, the Suns called and begged me to take them over. Evidently they realized just how badly their previous management botched the offseason.
So without further ado, a quick rundown of the roster...
Point Guard
Steve Nash (37)
Still a legend and arguably the top floor general in the league, even at his advanced age. Beautiful $11 million and change expiring contract. We don't have the talent to compete, so it's going to go straight to rebuild. Hence, he's gone.
Sebastian Telfair (25)
Feels like he's been in the league as long as Nash, and yet he's only 25. Serviceable backup at first blush, but under no circumstances do I want him starting.
Ronnie Price (27)
Serviceable backup like Telfair. I like him better as a backup, too.
Shooting Guard
Shannon Brown (25)
Meh. One of those guys who isn't tall enough to play SF, yet doesn't have quite the skillset to be a good 2 guard in my system. I predict a lot of teams will have interest, though.
Michael Redd (31)
Remember when this guy was awesome with the Bucks? I do. In fact, I can remember I was bowling league one night and he set some kind of 3 point shooting record. Drinks all around and everyone cheered. He's a shadow of that star self now, but personally, I'd still start him over Brown. Too bad I'm not the coach.
Small Forward
Jared Dudley (25)
Long-term contract, the first guy profiled to have that. I'd probably make him my starting SG if I had control of the lineup. Has the makings of a solid fourth/fifth starter and his contract is very team-friendly.
Grant Hill (38)
Let's see here.. our two best players are 37 and 38 and we're barely even playoff material. Just goes to show how terribly mismanaged this team has been. About the only wrong thing the old regime didn't do was tie us down with god-awful contracts.
Josh Childress (28)
...****. Spoke too soon. Childress shouldn't even be on a D-League roster, let alone an NBA one... and he's making $6 million base this year. Sure the last year of his four year contract is a player option, but you think somebody this talentless is going to pass up $7.3 million? Yeah, I didn't think so.
Power Forward
Hakim Warrick (28)
He's also a little overpaid ($4.3/4.6/$4.9), but not nearly as much. I loved watching him during his Syracuse days, so he'll probably hang around just because of that. No question he's a tweener, but he does three things I love in all my players - draws fouls, is disciplined, and has good basketball smarts.
Channing Frye (27)
What do you call a jump and three point shooting big man who earns $5 million this season and is on a four year contract that has a $6.8 million player option at the end? That's right - the type of big man I despise. A big who roams around the perimeter? Ain't nobody got time for that!
Markieff Morris (21)
You really think I'm going to let a 35-40 IQ rookie hang around? No.
Center
C Marcin Gortat (27)
I love this guy. I love even more that he's paid a reasonable $6.7/$7.2/$7.7 for the next three years. He does almost everything I love in a big except have great passing/handling, draw fouls and IQ, but as far as a #1 scoring option who spends more time in the post than shooting jumpers, can rebound, and defend, that's a yes, yes, yes, and yes.
Robin Lopez
The worst of the Lopez twins. Good at drawing fouls, but that's it.
So just to recap - we have three players who are genuinely good, two of whom are 37 and 38. Everyone else is average or stinks. We have a few bad contracts, but we have 7 expirings worth $26 million in total, so we'll have some financial burn next year.
But time to go shopping!
...Only nobody's too interested in anything we have to offer. I spend hours on the phone with Toronto talking about a player I like well enough to make part of our rebuild, but then they blow us off, saying the best piece we offered had to come close to the best piece they were sending.
Instead, this happens:
Phoenix Suns receive
PG Jose Calderon
PG Leandro Barbosa
Toronto Raptors 2015 2nd
Toronto Raptors receive
PG Steve Nash
PF Channing Frye
What this means for the Suns
Calderon's still a veteran player, but at 29, he's almost a full decade younger than Nash and possesses exceptional floor general skills in his own right. He's also set to earn $10.5 million next season and will doubtlessly see himself extended by the Suns. He'll start, of course. Barbosa, 28, is Brazilian, which means a short stay if you know your Jestor history. The $7.6 million expiring contract is his biggest asset, but for now, he'll function as the 6th man.
What this means for the Raptors
As impressive as Nash is, this deal wasn't about him. It was about Frye. When your native centers are Jamaal Magloire, Solomon Alabi, and Aaron Freaking Gray, you jump at the chance to land a player who immediately steps in as your team's best defensive rebounder and your new starting center. Whether that's enough to elevate Toronto not only to the playoffs, but championship contention, remains to be seen.
Winner: Both
Yes, Frye's a massive post upgrade for Toronto, but he wasn't ever going to do anything in the Suns' rotation and Phoenix made the deal without sacrificing any of their most valuable trade chips.
***
I did my best to try and land one of the talented young point guards, but nobody was having it, and I wasn't too high on D.J. Augustin the more and more I looked at him. Calderon is a great compromise, and since Spain is one of my favorite countries, it's an excellent fit all-around. Still can't believe I suckered somebody into taking Frye.
So point guard is crossed off the list. Now to look at the other positions.
And that's about the time I decide to do something insanely stupid. Or I would if the Boston Celtic weren't too canny to fall for my ingenious plan. Efforts to get James Harden from the Thunder likewise fail, as OKC considers him a franchise player.
"You've got to come close to matching the best thing on our side if you want a trade."
"You've got to come close to matching the best thing on our side if you want a trade."
"You've got to come close to matching the best thing on our side if you want a trade."
"You've got to come close to matching the best thing on our side if you want a trade."
"You've got to come close to matching the best thing on our side if you want a trade."
"You've got to come close to matching the best thing on our side if you want a trade."
"You've got to come close to matching the best thing on our side if you want a trade."
"You've got to come close to matching the best thing on our side if you want a trade."
"You've got to come close to matching the best thing on our side if you want a trade."
...If I wanted this type of obnoxious trade response, I'd have bought Wolverine Studios' DDS games and joined MP leagues.
...Wow. I can't even trade for my boy Caron Butler, who is 31 and solid, but not a star, and with a suspect contract. "This trade would make us too weak at SF."
At this point, I throw my phone against the wall, shout "**** you!" at the universe, and go to bed.
