WhoÂ’s Bret Vandergard and whatÂ’s he done for us lately?

[JMD]

Hey coach, if you need an assistant, here's my cell number, because I'll tell you what, Bret Vandergard's done NOTHING for you lately!

[CoachC]

Wayne, I'm not as think as you drunk I am! Besides, I can't go home... i wandered around and got stuck in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Can you come pick me up?

[Wayne23]

Eek! No way am I goin' ta Tuscaloosa. I avoid the Confederacy whenever possible. I hear they play country music down there. You did see that double blind study out of Michigan State that demonstrated very clearly that country music kills brain cells right? How about the follow up? It showed even more clearly that listening to country while watching Nascar can very quickly lead to Cranial Sphincter syndrome.

[CoachC]

Jim Rome., we are back live....check that. we aren't back yet? {waits another 10 seconds). Jim Rome, we are back live. In our first half hour we revealed how Eastern Washington head coach Kirk Vonnegut hates Scooter Rizzuto, as if he didn't have enough problems already. Kirk Vonnegut..hates...Scooter Rizzuto!

In the next 1/2 hour we'll be talking about the new allegations concerning the beleaguered coach and his program. As has been previously reported. Coach Kiki Vandeweghe of Eastern Washington University had intentionally placed Washington politician Christine Rozniak's bid for a seat in the Washington state assembly by repeatedly making untoward advances to her and forcefully dragging her into his teams locker room in front of reliable witnesses, check that. beer vendors. In s phone conversation I had with Ms. Rozniak this afternoon, she confirmed all allegations..check that...she refused to deny all allegations...check that...she hung up on me...check that, she hung up on Mary. Repeating this breaking news. Christine Rozniak, Washington politician, hates Scooter Rizzuto and his wife, Mary..check that, she hates Scooter Rizzuto, his wife, and Mary, but confirms by not denying the allegations against Eastern Washington head coach Kurt Vandercamp.

I know, I know...you are already reeling. You...are reeling. But wait. Check that...Wait!. We're just getting to the good stuff. We're ...waiting....for the good stuff. A source close to this impramatcal pundit revealed earlier today..that just moments...check that...seconds...before 6'9" forward Chris Lewis , a red chip..check that , blue chip recruit from Portland, Oregon signed his letter of intent with the Maryland Terrapins this fall, young Mr. Lewis recieved a phone call from EWU staff offering him a car and two garages...check that...2 cars and a garage....check that..a car and two cheerleaders. Our indereputable source further revealed that EWU assistant Larry "The Gooch" Montgomery once attended a class and cheated off of during a test none other than Chris Lewis' father's cousin during a business ethics class in junior college. What more proof do you need of tampering?

To recap. Kiki Vandewegh hates Phil Rizzuto but loves to chase and ruin the reputation of female politicians, and hired an assistant specifically because he thought it would give him an inside edge on a blue chip recruit, then authorized "The Gooch" to offer Mr. Lewis 3 cars and the entire cheerleading squad. How much more has to go on in northeastern America before the NCAA checks in? THe NCAA needs to get off their butts and check in.

I'm Jim Rome. In the 2nd hour we'll be talking with Shaquille O'Neil's gynecologist. I'm Jim Rome....Rome is burning.

[Wayne23]

I think if we're discussing "Hall of Famer" (what a freakin' farce) Scooter Rizzuto we must add the word "allegedly" to the phrase "played major league baseball."

[CoachC]

AP news release: The estate of renowned science fiction writer, Kurt Vonnegut, who passed away in 2007, has been receiving much unexplained hate mail from disgruntled Yankees fans, most of whom seem to be under the impression that Mr. Vonnegut is still alive, according to an estate spokeswoman. "We are totally perplexed, but we wish they would stop."

[CoachC]

hey, Rizzuto was a Yankme...everyone but the Babe and Gehrig are "alledgedly"

[CoachC]

Bret Vandergard's Voicemail from Swede: "Dammit, Bret, pick up! What the hell is going on? I hired you because I had faith that you could take this program to the next level and all of sudden I'm being inundated with calls from reporters and boosters day and night. None of it makes any sense to me, but what few intelligible syllables I've been able to get out of anyone is that we are about to be investigated by the NCAA? WHAT? What the hell is going on Bret? My ulcers can't take this...be in my office at 8 tomorrow and start explaining!

[PointGuard]

CR: “Hey, Swede left a sort of rambling message for you, Brett.”
BV: “What the hell, Christine? You listened to the messages on my answering device?”
CR: “Ohhhh, I just noticed the blinking light and since you were in the shower thought I could help you a little.”
BV: “Geez, I think I can take care of my own messages, Christine. I don’t need a secretary.”
CR: “Oh come on now, Mr. Cranky. And you think of ME as a sexretary, errr I mean secretary?”
BV: “Alright, alright. So what did Swede have to say?”
CR: “Oh, it was a rambling message, sort of unintelligible, so very hard to know exactly.”
BV: “Damn, you thought you’d help me out by listening to my message and then didn’t figure out what it was about? But, OK, I’ll listen to it myself now. [Pushes play button, “You have no messages”]. Christine, what happened to the message?”
CR: “Oh silly me, I must have hit the wrong button and maybe it got erased. Your answering machine is so different from mine that I wasn’t really sure what button to press. But I’m sure it was nothing. [Reaching over to pull the towel loose.] Anyway, I think I know how to get rid of your bad mood.”

[PointGuard]

(STEWING)

(Receives phone call from Brett Vandergard at 9:30 am, the next morning)

T.O.: G__ D___ it Brett! What the F___ is going on? I told you to be in here at 8 a.m. sharp! J___ C___, you’re pissing me off! I don’t know why the H___ you think you can just disregard what I tell you. Did you forget I’m your boss?
B.V.: Swede, what are you talking about?
T.O.: Do you even listen to your F__ing phone messages, Brett?
B.V.: I’m sorry, but actually, your phone message got accidentally erased.
T.O.: Yeah, and the dammed dog ate my homework. Look, get you’re A__ in here to my office pronto! You’ve got some explaining to do and we’ve got some F__ing damage control to work on.

(SLAMS down the phone. The hand set splintering with pieces shooting around the office.)

(Stomps outside his office…NANCY! I need you to get me a new phone.)