Bane of the Bluegrass: A UK Anti-Dynasty

[Bryan Swartz]

** The events, people, and places related here are 100% entirely fictional.
Something a little different here to pursue a light dynasty as I await further patches before starting a more serious one. **

I was once a fan of Kentucky Wildcat basketball, but that was a long time ago. The last two weeks they have single-handedly wrecked the tournament, taking out my favorite story of the season(undefeated Wichita State), my favorite coach(Rick Pitino at Louisville) and my favorite team(Michigan) ... by a combined ten points. I've had enough. I will not sleep, I will not rest for an instant, until I have burned the program to the ground. Sadly, it will not be possible for me to get them demoted to DII or disbanded, so I'll have to settle for making them as bad as possible.

My 'championship' or ultimate goal will only be achieved by having Kentucky rank dead-last in either RPI or go winless for an entire season. To make this happen, the collectively insane board has deemed fit to give me a coach-for-life contract.

As for house rules, I cannot simply self-destruct the program: rather, I must participate in all major facets to some degree. We wouldn't the Competition Committee getting involved. That is not to say, however, that I will restrict myself much from being willfully and intentionally stupid.

Let the implosion begin!!

[Wayne23]

Ah, the anti-dynasty. Actually I hate ND so I move them to Fairbanks, Alaska, with F facilities and A+ academic requirements in every dynasty. Then I give them 0 ratings and stick them in a 1,000 seat gym. So I guess I'm saying... rock on!

[Wayne23]

I sure as **** don't coach them though. I watch from the outside and go bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[JMD]

I smell an Apocalypse coming....

[PointGuard]

No, that's just the smell of bluegrass.

[bloomington]

im glad someone is doing something like this...oughtta make for some interesting results over time. how will u handle recruiting? will u make an effort to recruit top players or fill the program with dreamers with no coordination?

[Bryan Swartz]

No, that's just the smell of bluegrass.

/threadwinner. There is no point in continuing, I'll never top this comment! .

how will u handle recruiting? will u make an effort to recruit top players or fill the program with dreamers with no coordination?

I'll make an effort, but I'll look for any excuse to drop them. More on this as I get into the first season's recruiting.

** Note: After creating my coach, I exported the database and edited all of my ratings to 0(leaving reputation alone). This will simulate my strong desire to contribute absolutely nothing whatsoever to the success of Kentucky basketball. The players and rest of the staff were of course left completely alone.

BY THE NUMBERS

Contract: 3 years, $1.72m
Team Prestige: 89
Conference Prestige: 75
SAT Minimum: 920
Facilities: A+
Budget: 410k(171k recruiting)

Goals

** Win National Championship
** Win Conference Championship
** Win 20+ Games
** Maintain School Prestige
** Sign 5-star Recruit

MEET THE DEPRESSED: 2013-14 COACHING STAFF

** 1st Assistant Errick Pugh(38, 3 years/$162k) is disgustingly good at teaching offensive sets, a pretty strong recruiter, and above-average in defense and player development as well. The only way I can keep him from teaching us how to win is to assign him forthwith to scouting duty.

** 2nd Assistant Drew Smith(43, 3 years/$58k) is pretty average in most ways but decidedly subpar in player development. As our worst coach in that department, he'll handle practices.

** 3rd Assistant DeWy Stone(62, 3 years/$19k) is fairly poor at everything. He'll be the recruiter, the clear choice for the job as he's the only one that isn't any good at it.

ROSTER

It's a young team with only two seniors. The backcourt is junior Paul Peskine and disgustingly talented freshman Kareem McKnight. I insulate myself from any criticism by following the staff's recommending playing time suggestions here. Thankfully the frontcourt is not as good, with junior Tony Jones, freshman Demond Archibald, and junior Chris Hendricks filling out those positions.

Seniors Carlyle Williams and C.J. Cheeks could be a starting backcourt for most programs, and ensure I'll be hard pressed to find a way not to get excellent guard play this year. With the exception of Jones, our starting swingman, virtually everyone on the team has talent. It's my job to ensure they don't achieve their potential.

[PointGuard]

This will simulate my strong desire to contribute absolutely nothing whatsoever to the success of Kentucky basketball.

...disgustingly good at teaching offensive sets, a pretty strong recruiter, and above-average in defense and player development as well. The only way I can keep him from teaching us how to win is to assign him forthwith to scouting duty.

...decidedly subpar in player development. As our worst coach in that department, he'll handle practices.

...is fairly poor at everything. He'll be the recruiter, the clear choice for the job as he's the only one that isn't any good at it.

ROFL...especially about that first comment.

Maybe you can help this process along by scheduling every non-conference game as an AWAY game against the likes of Duke, Michigan State, and Kansas.

[Bryan Swartz]

SUMMER RECRUITING

We buy the basic reports only(national, international, southeast regional) in order to 'save the school money' and keep up appearances. We also must travel to -- and summarily ignore the results from -- the Indy Elite and Memphis regional camps. This leaves us with $132k left, most of which we have no intention of spending.

I instruct the staff to form a list of players who have high interest -- I'm not the slightest bit interested in manufacturing it in those who are on the fence. If at any time we get the smallest indication that a player would not be willing to sacrifice everything for the great honor of playing at Kentucky, they will be cut from our list as unworthy. However, until that point, we must make the effort. Let no man be able to say that we did not try, albeit only superficially, to field a competitive team.

It was a thing of pure joy to behold that there are no Top 100 prep stars in Kentucky this year, so that home-grown talent cannot be relied upon. What's more, none of the seven players in our region that are Top-50 talents considered us a top priority. This was truly a stroke of good fortune. There were, however, some truly dangerous players. Our starting Top 5 Most Dangerous Recruits:

1. C Jim Cephas(6-10, 276, VA) -- The #2 overall recruit in the country, Cephas has dangerous levels of interest in bolstering our front line. He's the kind of player who could potentially ensure unacceptable levels of on-court success for his entire career. We must pull out all the stops to prevent him from coming to Lexington.
2. SF Fletcher Anderson(6-6, 213, DE) -- #21 overall
3. SG Zivan Vondracek(6-2, 178, Czech Republic) -- #40 overall

These are our top enemies. I will be actively looking for any chink in their armor, any reason at all to drop them from consideration.

4. PG Ernest Boykin(6-3, 209, AR) -- #54, top player we are looking at in-region.
5. PF Antoine Perry(6-6, 214, OH) -- #85, only on here because we don't know enough about him to rule him out yet.

Early visits went decently for Cephas and Vondracek, but at least they weren't overly impressed: unfortunately, we were not so lucky with Anderson who absolutely loves it here.

In July, more bad news: Jim Cephas, who insists we're his #1 school though he's playing it close to the vest publicly, was named MVP at the Indy Elite Camp prompting some to say he will be the top recruit in the country. I'm already having nightmares about him and McKnight(who headlined our #6 incoming class this year) doing their inside-outside thing. Meanwhile, Fletcher Anderson was a Top 10 performer at Indy. Shoot me now.

August -- yeah, it was inevitable. Jim Cephas is now considered the #1 recruit in the country. Whatever that opposite of a man-crush is, that's what I've got on this guy. If we can't convince to go play at Duke or Florida or something, an 'accident' might have to be arranged. And on top of all this, his coach tells me is completely dedicated to getting better. GREAT!! That's just .. super. .yeah, fantastic ... where's the tequila again?

By the end of the summer, the short list consistently had 13 names on it. Of the dozens of campus visits, only one recruit told us the words I wanted to hear: 'this isn't worth my time'. Unfortunately, it was only a marginal 4-star player who said it.

[PointGuard]

"Accidents can happen and I can arrange them +for you"

/s/ Vinny Scalpelli