Fight Fiercely Harvard

[Wayne23]

3/1: Ivy Quarter Finals:

1 Harvard 83–52 Yale 8. The subhumans of New Haven were spanked soundly! Holm, Hill, and Fowl had 19 each. Ecks had 10 assists.

2 Dartmouth 87–67 Brown 7. First time in 3 years a #2 seed moves on.

3 Princeton 87–62 Penn 6

4 Cornell 73–65 Columbia 5

3/2: Ivy Semifinals:

1 Harvard 78–52 Cornell 4. No TOs- 0- in the first half! 4 in toto. 23, 11, 3 for Ron Holm.

2 Dartmouth 77–71 Princeton 3

3/3: Ivy Finals:

1 Harvard 77-75– Dartmouth 2. 40-40 at the half. Close all the way. They missed a three at the buzzer.

3/12: 28-2. #16, RPI #17. 24 consecutive wins.

#6 West. I thought we’d be higher. We play #11 Central CT, 25-5.

3/17: 85-68. It wasn’t that close. 7 TOS. Ron Holm led us with 17, 7, 6, 4.

#3 seed, #13 ranked Kansas ST, 27-6, next. We’ve been to this point eight consecutive times; we failed to advance in each of the previous seven. This year? I think we have a reasonable chance to prevail. The teams seem to be about equally matched with our advantage outside and theirs inside. We shall see!

3/19: 91-75! 55-32 at the half. We scored the first 14 points. At long, long last! Ryab Hill had 19 and 9 but our domination was total.

It will be our old nemesis Temple, #2 seed, #7 ranked, #9 RPI, 25-7, in the Sweet Sixteen. They are a very good team and we shall have our work cut out for us.

3/24: 69-86. 39-40 at the half. We stayed with them for about 25 minutes but they are a very talented team.

4/4: Not a single #1 seed in the Final Four. #9 Houston won the title.

Awards: PG Jim Fowl is Ivy Frosh of the year and 2nd team. Junior Ryab Hill is Defensive POY and 1st team. Senior Ron Holm also made 2nd team. For the 9th time in 10 years I win the coaching award.

4/9: Well… I did not retire! Cissy is not happy. As of 12:35 this afternoon I am the head coach of the Fighting Illini of the University of Illinois. I am quite simply not yet ready to leave coaching. I agree that there are more important things I could, and perhaps should be doing. I am soon to be 45 years old. I shall retire at age 50… or so.

The Illini are rated at A- in academics so they are a very good school… not Harvard, of course, but then who is…

4/10: Dan Shagnastie, ‘Speaking of Sports.’ I swore I would never do this again, but given the circumstances I didn’t have much choice. I’m here with Rich Pointguard, Robert Coachsee, Andrew Hortonbloom, and Wayne Twothree. Boys, Coach Smythe left us. Rich.”

“Can’t believe it! I was going to dedicate my season in three legged racing to him. I feel abandoned. I’m telling you, it’s like all the bounce has gone out of my life.”

“Robert- I mean, Bob?”

“I turned in my shoes. I can’t go on dancing. Irish Step Dancing is about motivation. My motivation was to bring glory to the team, and especially to Coach Smythe. I can’t go on.”

“Andrew?”

“It’s a real kick in the butt. I mean, even my pet Hamster, ‘Crimson’ is off his feed.”

“Is this the hamster that you- never mind, I retract the question. Wayne?”

“I’ve given up on just about everything. I donated my odd socks to the local homeless shelkter and took down the Facebook page. I won’t be buying season tickets for next season. I’m switching to BU hockey. Forget about it.”

“Sad days here in Cambridge folks.”

4/16: We hire assistants, and sign one additional recruit.

4/23: We ask for a budget increase. Granted! $13,650.

So ends 10 years at Harvard. Let us see what the future brings.

[Wayne23]

5/1: No vacation this year. I’ve been on the job here in Champaign since 4/11.

Cissy decided to join me, more or less. I was going to seek out an apartment near campus when I felt that she would not move here. As it turns out she spends a good deal of time in this part of the country with “Hunger Be Gone” and she feels it would be convenient to have a base here. She is seeking out suitable living arrangements for us. She has made it clear that she will be in Champaign for perhaps 25-30% of her time. I am very happy with that since I thought it might perhaps be 0%. Oh, we are, of course, keeping our home in Boston.

We will need to find a place that can accommodate the copter and a helipad, of course. Cissy will use same for transport to relatively nearby sites. Rex will remain in our employ as chauffeur and pilot.

We purchase the national gold scouting report.

We shall be rebuilding here. Hopefully quickly.

6/16: We made a valiant effort with several in the transfer pool but alas, we were completely unsuccessful.

6/26: 6 scholarships. Looking at 17 recruits.

8/21: We offer to 3 PGs, 3 PFs. We feel we have a reasonable chance in every case.

9/18: Two committed: Trey Sims, PG, #59, and Ron Fry, PF, #134.

We are invited to the Coaches Classic where we will play Missouri. Our schedule is only moderately challenging as we are rebuilding.

9/25: 3 more commit, and we lose one. We secure Ted Smits, PF #72, Marq Alt, PG, #51, Lee Haze, PG #43.

We hope to find another inside player.

10/2: First day of practice. We clearly have a long way to go.

11/6: We have a lineup: Three players will share the time at guard about equally:

Senior Adam Monk, and juniors Mike Rich and Dan Park.

Senior Pat Fine starts at SF.

Sophomores Cal Boyn and Jim Gill start inside. Senior Clif Cape backs the big boys.

[Wayne23]

11/13: 83-66 over #9 seed Missouri (We’re #8) in the opening round of the Coaches Classic. PF/C Cal Boyn led us with 16 and 13, guard Mike Rich had 21, guard Adam Monk had
12, 3, 3 and PF/C Jim Gill had 11, 2, 2. Good bench play.

Next up is #1 seed, #2 ranked North Carolina. We are not ready for this.

11/15: 67-92. We were over matched.

11/20: All 5 committed recruits sign. 4 are top 100. Still trying to land an inside player.

11/27: 3-1.

Home debut coming next.

12/4: Lost by 1 in OT to the #1 team in the country.

12/18: 6-3, RPI #52.

The team has performed above expectations to date but the conference is very strong. We have seven players averaging between 8.2 and 13.2 PPG. Rebounding needs to improve (-0.3). TOs are +5.1. PPG is +5.8.

12/25: 7-3 at the end of pre-conference play. I’m pleased. We were picked 12th in the 14 team Big 10. I am hopeful that we can finish in the top half of the conference.

[Wayne23]

1/8: 9-5, 2-2, RPI #52. Some teams overpower us in conference. We need to win the other games, which we are doing at this early stage. Rebounding continues to be a problem,
-1.9 RBs. +5.0 PPG, +3.8 TOs. Scoring remains balanced. We are led by guard Mike Rich.

We have made lineup adjustments but in truth, we need to muddle through this year. With the incoming players I feel we will be far more competitive next year.

1/20: Lefty Wright, head coach of the Iowa Hawkeyes: “This guy can coach. We were the better team, at home, and he managed to beat us in OT. He made all the right moves late in the game and in OT. True, they hit shots when they needed to, but he had the people in who needed to be in. I’m impressed.

1/22: 12-6, 5-3, RPI #29. Alone in 5th place in a very talented conference.

+5.1 PPG, -1.2 RBs, +3.5 TOs, +2.7 assists, +0.8 steals.

1/24: Little used big man Len Howe broke his leg. Out for the season.

13-6, 6-3, but the last 9 are brutal- 5 on the road, 2 of the 4 at home against top 10 teams.

1/29: 13-7, 6-4, tied for 4th place.

Frankly, we're doing considerably better than I had expected.

[Wayne23]

2/12:15-9, 8-6, RPI #31, tied for 4th.

2/26: 18-10, 11-7, RPI #26, 4th place in the Big 10. We finished very strongly, winning 3 of our last 4.

3/8: We play #5 seed, #14 ranked Michigan in the quarter finals of the Big 10 tournament. This is a difficult match up. They won by 14 there.

71-81. They were the better team.

3/12: 18-11, 11-7, RPI #35.

#9 Midwest. We play #8 seed, #24 ranked UConn, 20-9.

3/16: 86-90. We played very well.

4/4: #1 North Carolina defeated #4 Stanford 84-73 for the title.

Awards: We were shut out.

4/23: We ask for a facilities upgrade. Approved. B- to B+.

18-12, 11-7, RPI #35. A very good first season here at Illinois.

Overall I am 270-73, .787.

It was, in many ways, a quiet season. My entire staff was new to me. We worked well, really very well together, but they were not Harvard men and there was not the close connection with my chums that I enjoyed at Harvard.

I was separate from family for the most part. Cissy was here from time to time, but it did not always coincide with when I was in town. Fenny and Abby visited twice. SO I suppose I was a bit lonely, especially being away from my lifelong home in Boston.

Still, we did quite well, and we recruited exceedingly well. I have high hopes for next season.

[Wayne23]

5/1: We purchase the National Gold scouting report.

6/5: There is no one of interest in the transfer pool.

6/26: 4 scholarships. We need at least 2 guards. We are looking at nearly 30 players.

8/21: We offer to 2 PGs, a PF, and a C.

9/18: Eric Wynn, PG, #40, and Ryan Port, C, #52 commit.

We are invited to the Pre-season NIT. We play #6 ranked North Carolina.

9/25: PF Mel Hart, #53 commits. We lose a PG, offer to another.

10/2: Jay Tann, PG, #39 commits. One PF is questionable regarding meeting our SAT score so we will continue to pursue inside players.

First day of practice. We are much improved, but we are not deep. Another good recruiting class will make us a very good team.

11/6: Our lineup: Seniors Mike Rich and Dan Park, along with frosh Marq Aury will play guard, with assistance from soph Tim Joon. Aury will play a great deal at SF.

Juniors Cal Boyn and juco Bret Best will start inside. Frosh John Faye will back up at 5and 3. Other big men available include junior Jim Gill, soph Len Howe, now recovered from the leg fracture, and frosh Ron Free.

We are predicted to finish 7th in the Big 10. I expect we will do considerably better.

11/11: “Welcome to ‘Late Night Sports’ here at FM 90.0, WILL, on the campus of Illinois U. I’m your host Jay Byrd. We’re here Mon.-Thurs. from 2-4 a.m. Tonight we have a special guest via Skype from Peoria, Rich Pointguard. Rich, I understand you go way back with our coach, Mervin Smythe.”

“I do!”

“Tell us about that.”

“Well, I just moved to Peoria from the Boston area. When I was there I was a big follower of Harvard basketball, where Coach Smythe ran the program very successfully for ten years.”

“And what do you think of him?”

“He did a terrific job at Harvard and I’m guessing he will here, too. He knows the game.”

“He exceeded all expectations here last year.”

“Yes, I followed when I could. Now I plan to be a season ticket holder.”

“Great. What brought you to Peoria.”

“A career change. I was a bouncer at ‘Trampolines ‘R’ Us’ but I got sick of the ups and downs. I came here to chase the dream.”

“Being?”

“TV. I’m a trained, certified camera operator.”

“Peoria and TV don’t readily come to mind as going together.”

“Well Jay, the business is changing. More and more, TV shows, especially this kind, are going to cities where the thing the show is about is popular.”

“Get ready folks. I know what comes next. And that would be?”

“This is a reality TV show called ‘Albanian Midget Porn- Off Camera.’ It takes viewers into the lives of the big Albanian Midget Porn stars when they’re … not doing what they do.”

“And the Peoria connection?”

“Turns out Peoria has a huge Albanian population, maybe the biggest in the U. S. So, naturally, there are a lot of Albanian midgets in the area, and almost all of the Albanian Midget Porn is shot here.”

“Who’d a figured!”

“Yeah!”

“So, this isn’t Porn TV, it’s reality TV, right?”

“That’s right, Jay. The show demonstrates that these Albanian Midget Porn Stars are just like the folks next door.”

“Interesting concept.”

“We’re really excited about it.”

“So who are the stars?”

“We’ve got all the AMPS stars, Maybelline Shorttwerk- she’s the queen of AMPS. Then there’s Lucy Goosey, who bills herself as “the Rear Guard.” You may be familiar with her famous slogan,
‘Hey! Watch where you’re putting that!’”

“No, I hadn’t heard that one. Who else?”

Well, there’s Tommy ‘Three Legs’ Lincoln.”

“Three legs?”

“Tommy’s 39 inches tall and he has a 13 inch thi- well, you know.”

“So it’s like he has three legs. I get it.”

“You better hope you don’t! Never forget the ‘Queen of the Oral Exam,’ Monica Moorehead!”

“Never!”

“And then there’s Frank ‘Fader’ Pharthite.”

“Good old Frank! So you follow these folks around when they’re not, you’ll pardon the expression, ‘shooting?’”

“That’s right, Jay.”

“I’d love to hear more but we brought you on late in the show. Can you join us another time?”

“Sure. We’re on location in Vegas for a few weeks but I’ll give you a call when I get back.”

“That would be great. Join us tomorrow, folks. I LOVE late night radio, no holds barred- HOLDS! HOLDS!!!”

[Wayne23]

11/14: We lost to #6 North Carolina by 17. I was afraid that might happen. This is not a true test. Better days lie ahead.

11/20: As feared, PF Mel Hart did not sign. We will continue to court big men. Our other three all signed.

11/21: 79-65 at Pitt. Much more like it!

11/24: A terrific 2nd half (56-39) led to a 5 point win at Sacramento ST.

11/28: 3-1. A few lineup changes. John Faye is now starting for Cal Boyn, and Ron Free is our 6th man.

We played well in a sold out home debut, defeating Colorado by 6.

12/1: Oregon was 3-1 coming to our gym. We won 73-49.
12/4: “Jay Byrd here on WILL 90.0 FM, ‘Late Night Sports’ with Rich Pointguard. Rich, you brought someone with you!”

“I did. Jay, this is Lucy Goosey, the ‘Rear Guard.’”

“Hi Lucy.”

“Chahmed, I’m shoe-ah.”

“So Lucy, are you able to make a living with Albanian Midget Porn Stars?”

“Oh yeah, I yam. Da guys gotta work reg’ler jobs cuz dey don’t get paid, except in action, if ya know what I mean.”

“I do. But the girls do get paid?”

“I’ll say! I do one shoot a week an’ I’m good! I can make it easy!”

“Just one a week?”

“Well, with my ‘specialty’ one a week is about it.”

“Can’t stretch your limits, I suppose.”

“I been stretched ev’ry way they is.”

“Oops. Moving right along. So are you a basketball fan, Lucy?”

“Nah. Slam dunks ain’t real big with me.”

“Um… Uh… So how tall are you, Lucy?”

“I’m 3 foot 5.”

“41 inches tall. So, in your business, do they ever have you, uh, you know, with um, how do I say it…”

“Oh, you mean regular size people.”

“That’s it.”

“They actually do more midget men with full size women, but sometimes I get a tall guy.”

“What’s that like?”

“Not all that different, but the angles are weird. I mean you take a guy 3 feet taller than me, you know? Now Monica Moorehead, she does a lot with regular size guys. I think it’s pretty d*mn funny, myself, but whatevah keeps the suckas subscribin’, I guess.”

“And your slogan, ‘Hey! Watch where you’re putting that!’ Can you tell us more?”

“I really gotta explain THAT?”

“Okay. Moving along. Rich, the Illini are off to a pretty good start.”

“Yes we are. 4-1 after only two home games. That’s awesome.”

“Good year ahead?”

“I think so. If we keep recruiting the way we are I think we’re a national title contender in a year or two. I thought you’d ask Lucy more about her life away from the business.”

“Next time. I actually would like to talk about that. Okay, Rich Pointguard, Lucy Goosey, thanks for being with us.”

12/25: 8-1, RPI #6 going to Big 10 play.

+11.5 PPG, +7.7 RBs, +0.1 TOs, +2.7 assists. We are quite tough inside. We need to take better care of the ball.

12/26: “Jay Byrd here on ‘Late Night Sports,’ WILL 90.0 FM, with a VERY special guest. Please welcome Fenny Smythe of AbFen Games. Fenny, I am thrilled to meet you. I probably spend more time in the VR chamber than out of it.”

“Thanks Jay. You’re in good company.”

“#1 business in the world in terms of both units sold and revenue generated.”

“And it’s continuing to grow as we add more and more games.”

“Lives, on Wolfbane Studios, is the #1 game in history.”

“Astronomical sales.”

“I guess the whole world knows that all your the profits got to charity.”

“That’s right, Jay. It all goes to ‘Hunger Be Gone,’ ‘Planned Parenthood,’ and a third charity that we don’t talk about.”

“Lots of rumors about that one.”

“And they’re all wrong.”

“I can see I’m not going to get anywhere with that. What about Gerry ‘GoGo’ Gorky? Does he donate all of his profits?”

“No, no he doesn’t. I mean he gives some to charity, but most of it he keeps. He’s worth about 3-4 billion, from what I hear.”

“Incredible!”

“Yep.”

“Anything new on the horizon”

“Design a Planet.”

“Tell us a little bit about that.”

“Just what the name says. You get to design a planet, any way you like.”

“I’m not sure I get the attraction.”

“Okay. Our beta testers sure did. We had some where humans and dinosaurs lived at the same time. Some designed light gravity planets where people could fly. Some created under water worlds, and worlds where people lived on an ocean planet in ships and boats. There were planets with all kinds of different humanoid species competing and cooperating. You name it.”

“Sounds interesting now that you explain it.”

“So you’re here for the holidays.”

“Yes, mom and dad are hosting Abby, little Farnsworth, and me. Now that dad’s away from home we don’t all get together as often as we’d like. It being Farnsworth’s first Christmas, he’s 9 ½ months old, we really wanted it to be special.”

“Thanks for stopping by, and continued success.”

“Thanks Jay.”

12/26: We opened Big 10 play with a 4 point home win over #9 Michigan ST. +15 RBs was a huge factor.

[Wayne23]

1/8/’27: 11-2, 3-1, #25, RPI #3. First time ranked since we arrived here.

We go with a three guard offense about half the time, and it has been very effective.

1/22: 14-3, 6-2, #22, RPI #7. In a 4 way tie for 1st.

1/29: 14-5, 6-4, #25, RPI #10. We lose back to back games by 2 points each, both to top 10 teams.

2/12: 18-5, 10-4, RPI #17, 3rd place, one back of first.

Pete More, #71, C committed.

2/26: 21-6, 13-5, #24, RPI #17. Tied for 3rd, #4 seed.

It was very satisfying regular season.

+8.8 PPG, +4.5 RBs, +1.7 TOs, +1.6 assists.

3/7: “Jay Byrd here on ‘Late Night Sports,’ WILL, 90.0 FM, with the head coach of the Illini, Mervin Smythe. Coach, your thoughts heading into a very tough Big 10 Quarter Final matchup with #5 seed, #14 ranked Michigan ST, 22-6, 13-5.”

“We won by 4 at our home and lost by 3 at theirs, so we are clearly very evenly matched.”

“What should the fans look for?”

“We need to play the game inside, we need to contain their SG and SF, and we need to stay out of foul trouble. We did that fairly well when we defeated them, but their SG and SF, just the starters there mind you, combined for 45 when they defeated us. I really believe that the team that executes best will win. We are very evenly matched.”

“Good luck, Coach. We’ll be there to cheer you one.”

“Thank you, Jay.”

[PointGuard]

Man, am I looking forward to this matchup between the Illini and Spartans!

I brought two people along with me. Got all 3 of us in for the price of 2. Just stacked the other two on top of each other and put an overcoat on them and we were able to prance right through the turnstiles. Even that way they weren't really all that tall. Makes me wonder if I can stack 3 of them under the overcoat for the next tournament game.

[Wayne23]

"Cheaters never prosper!" R. M. Nixon